You've been away these days.
You stopped talking to me.
You avoiding me.
You didn't even answer my messages.
It all was nothing, right?
You changed.
The thing that I always scared to say.
We changed.
You're unhappy, right?
You've been away these days.
I'm such a bug, right?
I... Don't know.
I'm sorry.
I can't be someone you want me to be.
You've been away these days.
I'm sorry.
"Jadi, sudah sama-sama menyerah, ya?"
"Apa?"
"Kita."
"Aku gak pernah bilang gitu."
"Tapi kamu menyerah, kan? Aku tahu."
"Udah dulu, ya. Aku sibuk."
Beep. Beep.
Maybe you should've aborted me
I'm ugly
I'm weak
I'm stupid
I hurt everyone around me
I'm a trouble
Have you ever imagined your life without me?
That'll be great of course
You would never married to him
So you didn't have to divorced him
So you didn't have to married your second husband
So you didn't get hurt
So they didn't get hurt
So our little angel above there could still alive
Maybe He wanted to took me
Maybe your pray was wrong
Maybe all you had to do was aborted me
I don't deserve life, right?
I'm just gonna hurting and hurting without even knowing it
I hurt you
I hurt dad
I hurt them
I hurt my friends
I hurt everyone
I was a mistake
I don't deserve life
Mistake doesn't deserve life
Mistake need to be gone
Either you kill it or they kill themselves
It's not easy to be me.
It was never be.
Pressures, troubles, everything.
You know what?
When everyone wants you to be what they expected.
When everyone blackmails you.
When everyone doesn't give a single damn about your feelings.
It sucks.
Everything drives me insane.
The fact that I don't have anyone to hold on is make it even worse.
I don't have friends to talk to.
I'm tired.
I cried like every single day.
God, take me.
I think I've done enough.
I hurt everyone.
Everything is all my fault.
Just please.
Take me.
They don't need me.
I wasn't something they expect.
I was never be wanted.
I'm the wrong.
Take me, please.
"Don't worry. This just a tough time." I said, reassuring myself.
When I was her age, I never felt that way.
But now she's crying, every single day.
When I was her age, our parents was still there.
But now she's begging for them attention, every single time.
When I was her age, I didn't know what divorce means. All I knew was we're going to last forever.
But now she's seeing us, broken. Yell, scream, cry every single fight.
I wish I can go back in time, fix everything alright.
I wish I can take their pain, put away their frown.
I wish I can give red, erase all the blue on them.
I wish I can start over, so that I know how the feels of being a forever.
Look at those beautiful faces.
At their age, they've faced the world.
They're the strongest person I've ever known.
Believe me or not
They can hold their tears
They can hold the pain inside
They smile all the way they can, even tho everyone is dragging them down
"How they can be so strong?" I asked myself.
But at the night, I realized how fragile they are.
They cried, they hid they tears behind the pillow.
"Are you okay?" Asked me.
They kept the silent.
"Come on" me, tried to make them stop.
They didn't say anything.
Until finally they shake their head.
"No, I'm alright."
It just..
Hurts me inside.
How can I let everything went wrong without I even noticing it?
Fuck myself.
God, if someday I already gone..
Tell them I love them.
Tell them that they're the best present I've got in my life.
Tell them I'm proud of them...
More than anyone could imagine.
God, if you need them to be your little angels.
Just please, let them be right by your side.
Nothing deserve better than them.
Please.
Tuesday, August 18th 2015.
10:30 pm.
Indonesia.
-Me
Mom is just too busy with her new husband
Grandpa is still trying those new technologies
Dad.... He barely meet us.
Who's gonna teach my sister?
Who's gonna play with my brother?
Lmao. They don't have time for us. Even to turn the TV off.
Probably I'm going insane.
