Happy Birthday

to you.

romansa awal dewasa

gimana kalau kamu sudah ada yang punya?
apa jadinya kalau dia ternyata juga suka?
lalu, kalau ternyata kamu cuma menyapa?
aku harus apa?

aku suka.
gak mampu lagi mengelak fitrah.
rasanya muncul begitu saja.
apalah..

yang pasti,
aku takut semua itu terjadi lagi.
kamu ke dia,
kalian berdua.

aku?
cuma lihat dari kejauhan
sambil bergumam,

tuh, kan
apa yang kubilang
jatuh cinta adalah kesalahan.

lagi-lagi,
aku yang berkorban hati.
melihat saja bisa malu,
apalagi menyapa kamu.

sampai kapan mau begini?
menekan rasa
cuma karena
takut jatuh sendiri.

di satu sisi,
aku mau kamu mengerti.
lainnya
bilang, "sudah, lepaskan saja."

bukan kamu yang jadi masalah.
aku, hati, dan pikirku masih perlu diasah.
dijadikan pemberani
yang siap menerima patah paling dini.

bismillah,
doakan aku.
biar mampu menerima rasa, kisah, dan resah
dari keputusan paling pilu.

malam.

what i am afraid of

i do not want to fall in love
because i am afraid

to fall
to be hurt

i am not ready
to break my own heart
by doing things
i want the most

— looking at you

what i want

i want to be pretty
i want to have the perfect body

i want them to see me
i want him to want me

i want my boyfriend to be handsome
loyal
smart
funny

keep dreaming
night

insecurity

maybe reason behind the staring isn't because they think that you're pretty.

maybe it's all wrong.

they stare because they are wondering,

what has happened to THAT face— yours.

thoughts.

at first I thought I hated you.
I blocked every account you have.
I stopped asnwering our friend's messages— that keep asking me about "how is it going between you two?"

I thought I hated you.
I became so angry whenever I see tagged photos of you— and your new girl; smiling like you are the happiest person in this world.
my sudden mood swing went crazy those days.

but then I realized that
I didn't even hate you.
I loved you— I still am.

I hated that you can be happy without me.
I hated that you smile because of her and not me.
I hated that I want me to be the only one that can make you laugh at 2 a.m.
I hated that I still care about you, so much— but you don't.

those blocking things
happened because I'm afraid I didn't have enough courage to see your smile hanging on it.

our friend's message gets old
happened because I'm not ready to hear your latest news— that you make a holiday with your new girl.

the ignored photos of you
happened because I'm jealous.

shit.
I miss you.

Yeay

Blessed, blessed, blessed.

Alhamdulillah.