:)

Promise to them and her:

I will be someone big and good enough to take all the pain away from you.
I love you.

Bismillah

untuk kamu yang sedang patah hati :

sedih? pasti.
kecewa? iya.
nangis? silakan.

saya mau tanya nih

sudah berapa lama kamu jadian?
sudah berapa lama proses pendekatan?
sudah berapa kali dia bilang kalau dia sayang?
sudah berapa harapan yang dia patahkan?

saudariku yang sholehah, sudah, cukup.

sekarang, yakinlah Allah itu sebaik-baiknya tempat berharap😊

dari berbagai bentuk patah hati yang kamu alami—cinta yang terlambat datang, rasa sepihak, ditinggalkan, tergantikan, you name it— Allah sudah mewanti-wanti kamu untuk tidak berharap selain kepada-Nya.

raingkaian bunga, panggilan sayang, kiriman martabak manis rasa keju yang dulu dia berikan kalah jauh sama kasih sayang Allah, loh.

liat deh, bahkan setelah kamu merasakan kekecewaan, Allah tetap ada buat kamu.

وَاٰتٰٮكُمْ مِّنْ كُلِّ مَا سَاَلْـتُمُوْهُ   ؕ  وَاِنْ تَعُدُّوْا نِعْمَتَ اللّٰهِ لَا تُحْصُوْهَا    ؕ  اِنَّ الْاِنْسَانَ لَـظَلُوْمٌ كَفَّارٌ
"Dan Dia telah memberikan kepadamu segala apa yang kamu mohonkan kepada-Nya. Dan jika kamu menghitung nikmat Allah, niscaya kamu tidak akan mampu menghitungnya. Sungguh, manusia itu sangat zalim dan sangat mengingkari (nikmat Allah)." (QS. Ibrahim: Ayat 34)

selama ini tuh apa Allah pernah ninggalin kamu gitu aja?
selama ini tuh apa Allah pernah tiba-tiba ngilang dan nggak ada buat kamu?
selama ini tuh apa Allah pernah jauh-jauh dari kamu?

وَلَقَدْ خَلَقْنَا الْاِنْسَانَ وَنَعْلَمُ مَا تُوَسْوِسُ بِهٖ نَفْسُهٗ    ۚ  وَنَحْنُ اَقْرَبُ  اِلَيْهِ مِنْ حَبْلِ الْوَرِيْدِ
"Dan sungguh, Kami telah menciptakan manusia dan mengetahui apa yang dibisikkan oleh hatinya, dan Kami lebih dekat kepadanya daripada urat lehernya." (QS. Qaf: Ayat 16)

enggak, kan?

sekarang bagaimana? masih mau berpikir dia—yang menyebabkan patah hatimu—adalah segalanya? masih mau berpikir bahwa nggak ada yang bisa mencintai kamu sedalam dan seindah caranya? masih mau berpikir dia satu-satunya yang tau kamu sebenar-benarnya?

kembalikanlah harapanmu hanya pada Allah, saudariku.

Allah rindu kamu..

Tenth of July

To : parents.

Listen to me. For now. For once. For the last. I promise I won't ask more.
Think about it. Please. Yes, I do want your attention.

If you think you did us good. You're right. I thank God for that. I thank God for you guys.

If you think you did us right. No. We're not alright.

Let's face it. You did wrong, so much wrong. I'm sorry to say.

If you think I'm alright. You're wrong. If you think I'm stable. I'm not. You think I'm happy? I cried some nights to sleep. Ever think about it?

No. Fuck. This isn't about me. Forget about me. I've got myself. I've got Him.

It's about them. Your children. My sister. My broter.

You think they're happy? No. You think you did them good? Cmon you guys can do better. They're broken.

You think they'd be happy seeing you guys yell at each other? No. You think they'd happy seeing their mom marry another man? I don't think so. You think they're happy for not seeing their dad for months? Fuck, no!

As a normal child, you think they're happy seeing their parents divorced? No!

I did leave them. I did. I was too busy to save myself. I'm stupid. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry if I talked too much but here's details that I wanted ask you since this long.

To mom : you said you'll be here. Where were you? You never listen to sister. Who did that? Dad. You never know. You never listen to us. You always go out nowhere. And she still love you. She fucking is.

To dad : sorry to say, you lied too much. How many times they got disappointed? They wanted to meet you. Having conversation with you. The thing that they'd never get from a thing named parents.

To ayah : thank you. Idk. I never talked so much to you. I actually still think that you're only my mom's husband, but not my dad. Sorry.

Nevertheless, thank you. I'm sorry this is just beyond everything. I'm actually tired, hearing a thing from dad, say it to mom, she denied it, sent a long paragraph, wishing that I'd tell dad.

No. I'm just a kid. I'm still your kid. I miss the time we spent together as a family. You, me, them. As a family. Not to see both mom and dad talked shit about each other. You broke my world. You lost me. I lost myself as a kid. As your kid. I don't know what family means, I don't know what home is.

Don't let them lost it, too. They're still doing their childhood. Childhood never happened twice.

I never talked about it to you. I've tried to. You attacked me back. I didn't know what to do. Sorry to say, people said parents aren't supposed to hurt their children. I don't know. I'm sorry. I hope I'm wrong.

Sincerely, me—the unwanted one, probably the problem; who always make du'a for you guys after shalat, insyaallah.